stuck

when you don't leave the house it often becomes difficult to create. rarely is an individual's mind so rife with imagery and new ideas he doesn't need to experience the world around him to create. i have to tell myself this over and over so not to feel dull. it isn't working today, though.

the saddest thing i ever did see

four

the chosen few filed into the room. there were about twenty or twenty-five in all, men and women, sixteen to fifty years old.


a woman blustered into the room, a cloud of perfume and energy in a leopard print coat.

everything about her seemed false, a put on. the deep cinnabar red of her hair, her shiny jewels, her breasts- too perky for someone of her age, and even her thick russian accent all seemed a ruse. what she wanted to impress on her audience was anyone's guess. the girl in the front row didn't like her, though.


she didn't introduce herself but immediately began with rapid instructions: put on a name tag- no, put your name on it first. you, get your hair out of the way, i can't see your name. move back, move forward, to the left. fill this form out.

in a voice far too loud for such a tiny room, she barked out her commands to her audience for- ten minutes? an hour? until her group was as she wished. she was silent a moment, when suddenly there was a shuffle at the back of the room: five stragglers stood at the door, their eyes asking, 'so where should we sit?'


'go away. we have begun.'

what little air was in that conference room was sucked out with those five terse words. the audience trembled.


she then began without really beginning. no real game plan, and certainly no preface. she just began asking questions. she happened upon the girl in the front row.

'are you a college student?'


'yes, full time.'

'too bad. i don't like college students.'


the eleven college students scattered throughout the room hung their heads. for good measure, so did the three high school kids. in fifty-five short minutes, this woman without a name had managed to alienate just about everyone in the room.

eventually, the woman with no name made her selections. she called four people up to the front of the conference room. there were two older women, a man in his twenties and the only young woman who was not currently enrolled in any kind of higher education whatsoever. not surprisingly, the girl from the front row was not called.
the woman with no name had made her decision. these were her chosen four. she dismissed the rest of her audience, and closed the door, separating her four from the chaff.

getting the hang of life

tonight i found a cricket in the kitchen. this is not unusual. i often find crickets around the house. however, the strange thing about this cricket, in particular, is that it looked as though someone had cut off its rear legs at the hips (? [do crickets even have]) and then reattached said legs upside down, making for an altogether creepy if not downright depressing scene.

it was pitifully dragging itself about by its front legs and as its rear ones had the misfortune of being super glued back on in the entirely wrong position, i knew it was not only in pain but would surely never recover. the poor thing must die.

you know, in chinese culture, it is said that a cricket in your home is good luck. i wonder if killing one is then bad luck, and if the powers that be grant exceptions for these kinds of situation- i mean, i was trying to save this thing from any further misery. i guess this is just one of those things you have to wait and see about.

alone

it is cold outside. my fingers struggle to grasp... anything.

i rode a train to nowhere today. i got off, did nothing and got back on.

a man sat across from me. he was young, perhaps only twenty. he said something i neither heard nor cared to be repeated. he got up, and moved on down the aisle.

in his place came an older man, most likely a state worker. he looked at my stomach. he looked lower. then, when caught, he looked away.

he disembarked at the next stop.

the stop that followed i exited the train car, into the rain and chill. i walked home.